A Change of Scenery (Finding self Part 5)

    2/8/25: I'm up at 3am... This is the 2nd anxiety shower I took this week. I wake up out of my sleep, stomach pains. A pain that resides underneath my ribcage that flows down 2 the top of my belly button. It's scary because this is what happens 2 me when I get too overwhelmed & overstimulated. I've been going though this since I was 19years old. The reason it's scary is because I can slip in2 a space & find myself not ok. This time if I slip in2 that space I won't have friends or family around, I'll b crazy & alone. This is always my thought & I never have an answer but I ask anyway, why is this happening to me?  I thought I was handling it, but maybe I'm suppressing it and it's coming out affecting my health. Or maybe I just over ate the past couple of days. My digestive system isn't the best & sometimes I get really bad gas & tension there. 

    There has been a startling change in events this year & I've also learned a few things. 1. Sometimes u think ur life is going one way then it takes a sharp right like google said & now ur over a cliff! 2. You can set goals and find out, some you can meet & some are not ur reality at the moment & have 2 b met at a later date.  As u can see I started this journal last week. Now it's 2/17/25 and I'm now living in Louisiana the other LA. I took a fabulous 26hr bus trip! I mean there were definitely WTF parts as well but the trip as a whole was wild.  The director of the DV program I was in, in Los Angeles sent me to a place in Louisiana where I am in the middle of nowhere. In an amazing house that has mostly everything I ever wanted to do in it & outside of it. I have no transportation so I have to stay within the perimeters of the HOA. She sent me here because she saw that me interacting with my partner was not a good idea. Her, other staff, plus the women in the house saw how unhealthy even communicating with him was. I basically gave up not knowing what to do with my life at all at that moment. I am in so much financial debt due to this marriage I might just lay low for the next 7years. More than likely not, I gladly accept the life challenge of fixing one of my crazy mistakes that is actually fixable. 

    The host has been  absolutely amazing & I couldn't have asked for a better hook-up myself. There is a lot of other things that have transpired that I can't talk about here. I'll let you know where I put all the juicy details. There are some mad interesting bus ride stories & some surprises that I didn't expect in the middle of nowhere. At this point I feel like getting my mind right is going to be a life long task. I don't think I'm going to do a bunch of "spiritual" work on myself & "poof" I'll be healed! I know that I have to continue to love me & do everything I can to give myself the best of everything in order to stay on the healing path not falling into the woe is me mode because of the things I've been through in this life. There's like nothing left to say now. I guess I'll leave you with this, I have to find a money source & figure out what my next step is going to be this is not the last stop. The adventure always continues...