Or is it just change. I gotta tell ya I am tired, I am so tired of this life I created or that was created for me. EVERYTHING has it's own way of being & Everything is happening just as it should, If all of this was written to happen to me I would definitely want to kill the author! I'm so tired of my life. I can see 1 of three things happening, either (A) I become a crazy lady screaming in the streets about my problems, maybe pushing a shopping cart or maybe just raggedy carrying a blanket. The scary part about this one is that, that lady lives deep inside of me & she just wants to give up & say FUDGE it. I don't because there is another lady that lives inside that let's me know; that she doesn't care how tired I get WE are not doing that! But sometimes I am so beat down I think the crazy lady will win. (B) I will off myself because I'm in so much pain. A lot of you may not understand what the pain feels like that makes one just not want to exist anymore & I hope you never experience that. For those that do & those that know someone that has done it, I get it. I can't tell you want to do with those feelings except feel them, scream, cry, sleep, eat, watch feel good TV, isolate yourself in a healing way or just stay still until the feeling passes. I know it doesn't feel like it will but it will. (C) Prevail, yup I wrote it, do I believe it sometimes no. Sometimes I have so much anxiety & so much sadness that I don't think I can go on. Exactly the way I'm feeling now. Welp that's my two cents!
We were supposed to talk about the reason I don't work as a Youth Outreach Case manager anymore. In short I was too overwhelmed in my life to focus the way I needed to, to be able to help these youth. I found myself not wanting want to go to any of the meetings, I didn't want to network, I just plain wasn't there. When I first started it didn't seem like something I wanted to do but I forced it. Apparently not good enough because I just started to crash & burn. I was haphazardly crying in random places. I was having crazy fights with my homeless partner who at that time was carrying a trash bag full of his stuff & a tent everywhere everyday. We mostly argued about how I was a terrible wife because I could not help him get himself together. He was jealous that I was trying to get myself together & he couldn't figure himself out & according to him it's all my fault.
There was a point where I believed that, but I have since figured out that majority of his story is bullshit. Not all of it but majority & it connects weird, designed to control my thoughts on the situation. There's more on this in the book I'm writing about it, in detail. As of now I have no clue where my life is headed. I keep pushing on, my son is going through a rough time .
Right now he would like to be referred to as she, them & they. So for respect purposes I will refer to him as them/they. She is too much for me! They also tried to take their life twice, once in September 2024 & again in January 2025 both times they end up admitted & had an extended stay. I went to visit in November, we had a very nice time. They called me the other day and told me they have been diagnosed with BPD Borderline personality disorder.
I think that's enough for Right now. I will say I still have my cleaning clients to keep from being broke. Seriously though I took a nap for like 3 days. I didn't know what to do about anything so I just went to sleep. Chile we'll see what's next hold on to ya hats!
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