Finding Self (Part 1)

     When two people are together (Pause) I keep trying to figure out a soft way to start this. It took me about a month to even figure it out.  I decided to start this one with a disclaimer.  I'd just like to say I am not talking ugly about n-e-one nor am I trying to make anyone look bad but the truth is the truth. People said it will set you free let's see. 

    I never really explained how we ended up making the decision to go back to Philadelphia. Surviving LA was about me learning my new city, getting a job, a car & an apartment. The car was actually an added extra.  After the Air-BnB, we decided to live in the car for 3months so that we could boost our credit to get an apartment no money down. I was going to pay for the car & he was going to take care of the credit. It was a reasonable plan because we had just spent $8,000 in the Air-BnB for 4 months. Since we were making money I didn't see how we could fail. 

    This is an example of how another person's decisions can cause a disruption in the plan. First of all I could've sworn my partner & I were on the same page. In my mind we were winning despite the fact that he was getting on my nerves because he was turning into this weird ass woe is me, self hating, low confidence, low self-esteem person that I didn't recognize. I had no idea he was about to fumble the ball the way he did. We bussed our asses to get the credit up to get the car while living in the Air-BnB. Three days after we get the car which was in July 2023 my partner up & quits his job talking about he was tired of working there. This man had no plan for another job or way to make money, this became a real problem after 3months. 

     Everything fell on me & we did not get out of the car in three months because I was the only one working. He became sadder & went into this hole of self despair that I could not figure out how to get him out of. I started mentally unraveling while he started to project the way he felt about himself on to me & that did not feel good. His low energy force was making my low energy force harder to deal with. I am going through a lot in my life & I try very hard to stay out of the space he fell into. Some days I'm successful & some days not so much.  Imagine two people drowning & I'm trying to save him as well as myself & he's giving me no help just laying there limp. It got to the point I had to let him go in order to save myself. The emotional bag was too heavy & I couldn't carry it for both of us, especially when I'm trying so hard to make my bag a little lighter. 

    I don't know if ya'll could tell in the past blogs that I was hiding the truth about my partner falling into a hole of despair & me following him & acting like there's no problems. We moved to the farm because I was tired of working overnights & fighting with him so that I could sleep during the day because he was up SMH. The LA winter was coming & it rains a lot in the winter & I didn't want to be stuck in the car. I made the Cannabis farm happen, he even tried to argue with me about going. I asked him if he had any better ideas & crickets! (That means silence) After getting to the farm & staying for 2months we abruptly had to leave due to an on coming storm. Because the farm was up north.

    I had the choice to go back to LA with him or ride out to Philly. I decided to ride out to Philly because I didn't want to go back to LA to have to find a job & be stuck in the car with this man. The ride to Philly took us 5 days it usually takes about 3. We stopped in Portland Oregon to see my his daughter that he hasn't seen in 20yrs, we stopped in Arizona to see his nephews, we stopped in New Mexico for lunch, then I had a really bad panic attack in Kansas due to the fact we were arguing & I really didn't want to go back to Philly but I didn't want to be stuck in LA with him either! I ended up in the hospital in Kansas overnight, after that we drove to Upstate New York to see my son we spent Christmas there. That was the nicest part I'm so glad I saw him & spent some time with him. Then we were off to Philadelphia. 

    In the post We're Not In LA N-E-More XII it tells the story of what happened during my Philly visit. Fast forward to now I'm alone in LA in a beautiful Domestic Violence shelter getting myself together because I really lost myself in this last year of my marriage. My partner is in Philadelphia/New Jersey, I'm currently almost in financial ruin due to the car not being paid for since January. I also maxed out all 4 of my credit cards & all I have is this weak ass part time job. I'm not complaining because it is helping me do somethings that I need to do. I'm working off this cleaning app, I have a 3month free bus pass, I have somewhere safe comfortable & clean to sleep, I have some clothes & I can smoke my weed 1,000 feet from the house.  I've been here almost 2 months & I was also accepted into a Peer Support class  to be able to work with youth at Loyola Marymount University. So I'm doing well in retrospect, I'll elaborate more on how I feel about actually being by myself in LA & some of the things that I'm healing from & dealing with. This is the first time I've actually been on my own & it is different. Thanks for letting me share & thanks for visiting I hope your life is moving right along. I'm open for comments & questions always.  

My lil Twin bed set up 💖

-Jodie Spartz